Saturday, 29 October 2016

Spin off story: Heartbreak Helium

I suppose it started? Around August 1997. Blood smeared the phone, it had a cord and a proper dialling system. The only place I ever dialled was denial. Shame rinsed my mouth. I felt deadened from the waist down and scorch rattled through my system but I was bounded by the glass etched in my wrists and the shattered shards of prickled perfume. Rope Alcohol Pills Escape. Rape. He'd left me to survey the massacre he'd made. Pure poison drenched over me like a darkness awash with deadened destruction. I sunk the bottle of whiskey under the sink. The taste was like fuel to fire but I'd readily have gulped down a bottle of bleach, if that's what it took to stop guzzling blood and calm the crashing symphony of my heart. I swallowed back some pills and barely winced as they lodged in my throat. It was a bloodied bath rinsing off regret and shame and sin. It took a while before the fantasy floored through the rising froth. 

The bubbles glistened and the sunken moon magnetised me from the gap in the grotty windows. I stared at the foam until my eyes became psychedelic swirls of stun. "And I wonder, what it means, what it means. To find your dreams come true". Illusion and delusion; the lesser of two evils cloaked in escape. The froth gathered along the betraying bathroom could be Chicago's dazzling skyline, the septic stains and bloodied body in the bath could be the result of red wine and a good time. Imagination was all I had. "This is my song. And no one can take that away." The rim of rock bottom had smashed open. "It's been so long since someone could make me cry." I could pretend. I didn't have to be tied to torture anymore. But I believed him, my boyfriend. He told me if I ever left him he'd slit his throat in front of me, and then I'd have two coffins on my conscience. Other times he'd come back throwing flowers in my face, the insult to injury already blazed along my body; bruised butterflies and scarred sin. I used to stare at the ceiling until it morphed into a black mass of static stars and wonder how the hell I'd ever make my escape. 



Run Away Please Emergency. Stupid. To blame. Your Fault! You make me fucking sick! You deserved it! You made me do it! His abuse became like alchemy to the brain. Acidic Anamnesis. The same anamnesis that had seen ambulances as ice cream vans and a plane crash through a house overlooking our home. They wonder why I hate London. If they ever saw it through my eyes they'd be harassed by hatred too. Once you've suffered a blow, the next one and the next and the next. You become... numb? Paralysed? Glass beads shed at my skull. A mirror shattered against my jawline. What would I tell my twenty five year old self if I could go back? Through the hell there will always be hope. Faith is fractured but it is not broken. I should have covered my tracks. 


BONFIRE NIGHT, 1997
Rollercoasters hurtled over rust-ridden tracks. The lights and blasts of bonfire screamed against my system. Salt and vinegar were in the air, all the excited emotions ubiquitous to a fairground fantasy. For so long it was black and white, now colour threatened to explode into the atmosphere. Jed said: 'You'll be safe here. I promise. Safe with... me.' He had a Northern accent and he said the word look like Luke. I felt angry at the security. I'd sworn off men for life and now, look. Him! Stars blurred and kaleidoscopes whirred. People were throwing sparklers around and I kept catching flashes of burn and spit. Paranoia bled through me like bile. I was so frightened, forever fearing over my shoulder and seeing empty stares and blank looks. 'Shea....?' I said my surname was to do with the seasons. I swiped a hand across my face and he thought I was motioning at a hot summer's day. 'Shea Summers?' I didn't want to confess the Wintery rawness. I became Shea Summers for a while. Perhaps if he hadn't taken my sense away I would've legalised a change of namesake and a new identity. But hooked on the helium of heartbreak, I remained the same. 

7 YEARS LATER
A diamond ring glittered against the orbs, silver pinpricks in a black canvas of night. Johnny held it against the light. Was it stupid? His mum said he could have a Cartier round his cock and Shea still wouldn't take him back, let alone marry him for fuck's sake! The hospital was horrible, but weren't they all? He'd gotten thrown out, kicked out for kicking off. He hadn't expected Another Bloke to be there. Talking to the doctors like he was so damn well important. Straight in from New York, apparently. Johnny had felt tense and threatened, wondering who this snazzy American might be, until he'd caught his accent and realised he was from around here. Johnny told everyone he was Shea's husband but they'd laughed in his face, all of them, and told him to bugger off. Bad enough the other one that had caused this hell was hooked up to monitors and machines. He'd considered pulling the plug, until Mike had pulled him away and given him a rollicking. Shame. The truth would be terminal but it was coming out. And once it was out, there'd be no going back. Only forward, forever. And he could make it right. They could be so happy. Hell would be forsaken for happy. If only. 

 🔮


Lyrics taken from "My Song" by Labi Siffre 
Chicago segment inspired from "I Wonder" by Kanye West 


**** 
For Graham & Yasmin & everyone who has supported me, I love you all!
Read Part I & II of Shea's stories here and here.
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Sunday, 9 October 2016

Topshop MOTO sequin Hayden jeans



Purple lips, blue mermaid tips and glittery hips. I'm a mermaid mom jean addict. This pair are MOTO sequin Hayden jeans from Topshop and I have to say Topshop seem to be killing it with their denim game right now. So many jazzy, patchy, sassy pairs of jeans and jackets that are all the bewitching, especially as Halloween is approaching. This Liquor n Poker pair triggered off all the transfixing within me and ever since I've been hooked on all the glimmering denim out there. It's nice to see brands being even more open-minded and out there when it comes to styles and choices, us fashion bloggers need that bit of glimmering shimmer in our lives, right? 
When I came down the stairs wearing this for my shoot, Graham's first words were "Spice Girls make a comeback!" 90s hues were definitely in my mind when I put this mermaid combo together and as loyal readers will recognise, Motel Rocks are one of my favourite brands. When I was in search of a stunning spaghetti strappy top, this Fonda crop top in metallic lilac struck perfect purple haze for me and with the glimmering jeans they make a nice little dream team. The Hydrogen heels set off the finishing touch with a jumpstart of jewel. They're from asos (surprise, surprise!) The purple lips? Bluewater finally got a NYX stand in their branch of Boots and I went hella crazy for all the poppin' pretty hues, scooping up all the blue and purple lipsticks as if they were going outta business. 
If you're off to the movies anytime soon I whole-heartedly recommend seeing The Girl on the Train. Emily Blunt isn't one of my favourite actresses but I've definitely got a new found respect for her. She gives a powerhouse performance which is totally chilling and touching. You really root for her character in the film and it's haunting and frightening in equal measures. I haven't read the novel but I'm glad the movie made the pitch to America as it seemed to fit better than I'm guessing it would have done had it been set in London. Or go see Bridget Jones's Baby, if you're feeling more upbeat and humorous. Has anyone else missed Bridget as much as me? It feels like we've all waited an eternity for this movie, am I right? It's not quite the same this time round without Hugh Grant, but obviously it's still bloody hilarious and plagued with laughs. Ironic bearded hipsters! Ed Sheeran AKA the guy who works at Starbucks, Balham! Erection Section! Etc. Etc. Etc. 

Okay, I know I always say this but I want to try and post more regularly on the blog. I'm writing my book as you know which is taking precedence but blog wise I'm dying to switch up the fashion posts (even though they'll forever by my fave) with a little somethin' somethin' else. Expect more variety soon (ass in gear). There'll be another short story coming to soinspo between Halloween and firework season too, finally another shattered segment of Shea's story revealed.... 


Fonda crop top in metallic lilac: Motel


Are you a fan of mermaid jeans?
What kind of denim is your dream?
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