One morning in December 2011, Graham went off to work at about 5am and I settled back to sleep before having to get up around 7.30 for work. I felt really content and remember my last thought before I drifted off was "I feel really happy, everything's good". I was woken up about two hours later by the phone ringing and then my mum's hysterical screams downstairs, a moment that will haunt me forever. It was the paramedic, and my Grandad had died. The news came as a total shock as I'd only seen my Grandad a few days before and despite not feeling too well, he'd still been his usual self. Since I was about 7, my biggest fear had been of death, when I had my first anxiety attack and became petrified my mum was going to die. Now that fear of losing someone had happened for real and I didn't have a clue how to cope.
I was 21 and had never had to deal with losing a loved one before. The funny thing was, I couldn't cry. I just felt numb and switched off, a bit robotic. I went straight into work the next day. "Sophie, we weren't expecting you!" one of my colleagues said kindly. Everyone was really considerate, and instead of avoiding the subject, all my colleagues came up to me and started talking to me about my Grandad, which I really appreciated. Even though I spoke to them about what happened, inside I'd almost distanced myself from his death and forced myself to remain in control. At his funeral I was the only one not crying, I just couldn't. Part of me blocked out what was happening and the other tried to force myself once again to remain in control. I thought about my characters, my book. Anything other than what was going on.
GOING THROUGH GRIEF
3 months later, Graham pulled up outside my work. "He hasn't got a big bunch of flowers with him!" a colleague joked, looking out of the window. I wasn't expecting him to be there and we had a bit of a joke about what it could be. "Your man's here," the receptionist said downstairs. "Nice surprise", I replied. We were joking, messing around and Graham smiled but I knew there was something up. "It's bad, isn't it?" I said. He nodded. I didn't have to guess what; my Nana had cancer and despite beating it a few years before, it had since come back. We went to the hospital, and she passed away later that night. I know it sounds strange but I couldn't handle being there, witnessing it all, so Graham and I went to Bluewater, our place we always go, our "second home", as we call it. It felt safe and away from all the pain. We sat through a film and did our usual routine but neither of us could really think straight.
I COULDN'T HANDLE IT
We had to go through everything again; the grief, the loss, the funeral. Only this time it felt even worse, because now my Nana and Grandad were both gone. It felt cruel and as I've always thought funerals; cold and grey and a process you don't really want to go through. I don't think I'll ever understand the point of a funeral, I don't want to remember people that way and for me, both funerals took away any chance to remember my Nana and Grandad how I wanted. To this day, every night before I fall asleep I still have intrusive thoughts and upsetting images of their funerals, losing them, feeling frightened and repeated flashbacks of what happened even though it was so long ago. I can't think about them, I don't like to look at pictures, I don't really like it when people talk about them. This is something I've gradually come to accept, switching off seems to be the only way I can handle it.
FRAN, MY BUTTERFLY
When I was 23 I lost my beautiful friend, Fran, to a terminal illness. She was also 23. I'd known Fran as a toddler, and we met up again when we were teenagers. We'd had a lot of happy memories together and regrettably I hadn't seen her much through my twenties but the times I did, I cherished. I cried when I heard the news, although I didn't talk too much about it. Unlike my Grandparents I was able to think of her freely, and remember happy memories. At her Celebration Of Life, everyone was encouraged to wear nothing but bright colours and Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" played out against a montage of pictures and happy memories. The song was so symbolic for Fran. It was a truly beautiful day for a truly beautiful girl. Fran was always smiling, and I never heard her ever complain or be negative about a single thing in the world, when she had every reason to due to what she had to face. She was nothing but a bright spirit, and a constant ray of light. She loved butterflies, so I took off the butterfly necklace I was wearing that day and left it for her. Whenever I hear Atomic Kitten, I think of her and I'm glad I can think about her, remember her, think of the happy times. I love butterflies, and that's all down to her.
COUNSELLING
I had counselling a few years ago and I told the counsellor that my Grandparents deaths had set off a lot of anxiety for me. We talked about the root of my anxiety which was a fear of dying, and even though we didn't find much of a solution, just talking to her felt like a massive help and a weight off my shoulders.
MORE HEARTBREAK
Last August my other Grandad sadly passed away. He hadn't been well for a while and a few days before I'd been driving back from Starbucks, pulled up in the car and received a text message from my mum saying we might lose him in a few days and they'd just said their last goodbyes to him. I felt sick to my stomach, and for the next few days we were all waiting for that horrible phone call. When the phone rang a few days later, I somehow knew what it would be. I went out into the garden and a few minutes later my mum came out, crying, to tell me. "Grandad's died darling,' she said and I broke down and hugged her for a while. Tears came out, and she talked to me for a while about how much he loved me, and was proud of me and would want me to be happy. I felt a lot of grief, and cried a bit which I hadn't been able to do in the past. I called Graham and reached out to my friends, and their messages helped me more than you'd believe. Everyone online was so kind too and really gave me strength. I spent most of the day messaging back friends. Even though it was an awful day, it just shows you how people can be so unbelievably kind, which still gives you hope. It felt okay to look at photos of Grandad and remember him in the way I wanted, happy memories that made me feel OK.
PUTTING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH FIRST
Last summer I made the decision to put my mental health first and not to go to my Grandad's funeral as I knew I wouldn't be able to cope. I wanted to keep remembering him how I wanted and after what had happened with my other Grandparents in the past, I knew it would be damaging and ruining for me if I did go. My mum and I had a few disagreements about this as she thought other people in the family would judge me for not going, but I told her if people wanted to judge before even beginning to understand, then let them. Eventually she accepted my decision and I had her understanding, which I appreciated.
As it was, no one judged me for not going and everyone was kind. I was in contact with a few family members throughout the day and Graham had to go to work but beforehand we went to a little cupcake cafe we go to and sat out in the gardens. I wanted to be happy and remember my Grandad in peace, and that's what we did. Graham had to go to work later so I stayed with the cats and as much as I tried to switch off from what was happening, I broke down several times and felt a lot of pain. In a strange way I felt isolated and alone, but then I knew going to the funeral wouldn't have been good for me. Again, I reached out to a few of my friends and they were brilliant. I got through.
Even though the next few weeks weren't that easy, I felt a sense of healing for being able to grieve in the way I wanted and being able to remember my Grandad in my own way. Two days after he'd passed away friends of my mum's came to the garden to help my parents' with something but were rude to me. I ended up screaming my head off at them, and everyone in the garden turned as my words rang through the air. I just thought "Good,". It wasn't the time to upset me and be so insensitive after what had happened, and despite feeling shaken up, Graham and I went off to watch a film and I took some time out where he was living away from it all. It wasn't good for me to be at the family home at that point, and a break away was what I needed most. Put your mental health first.
THERE'S NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE
Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, grief is a personal thing and we all react differently to losing a loved one. It's okay not to cry, it's okay to cry. It's okay to want to talk or to not want to talk.
PUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH FIRST
It wasn't easy making a decision that I knew wouldn't go down well, but I stuck to my guns and did what mattered most to my mental health. It's important you take the time you need to do whatever is right for you when it comes to going through grief.
DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU
It's important you take time to heal in your own way.
REACH OUT TO PEOPLE YOU NEED
I'm not always very good at this, but sometimes it's important we let people know we need them.
TIME IS A HEALER
You don't ever get over losing someone, but time can heal the hurt and make it somehow bearable. Sometimes it can take days, years, decades, but it does heal.
♥️
My fashion blogger forecast usually casts out coats in favour of summer style but this silver metallic biker jacket from asos was too hard to resist. A badass babe of a coat that packs a stylish punch, I was hypnotised at first sight and snapped it straight up back in November. Spring style in the UK calls for a coat and I love how stunningly eye-catching the coat is whilst being wearable for everyday style. The glittery goddess mermaid jeans of dreams had to be drenched out of the dazzling waters of my wardrobe for a re-appearance and my glittering crop top glimmered away merrily on the beach. The rainbow bag was a colourful blast of bliss, another slay to the Skinnydip London bag brigade.
Whilst we're on the subject of style, does anyone else seem to shop solely at asos these days? Bar Skinnydip London and Pretty Little Thing (oh and Missguided), I seem to do an online trolley dash around the asos aisles and not need to venture to any other fashion brands since they stock everything a girl could wish for on their site. Are there any fabulous festival online stores you're loving at the moment? Despite being glued to good old asos, I'm always up for sassier style shopping suggestions. 
Hooray for British Summertime! One of my favourite things to do now it's warmer is to sit out in the garden at night. There's something so peaceful and soothing about watching the planes flying overhead, the stars dazzling in the sky and the smell of flowers and grass. It makes me feel better and more reassured about everything, somehow. It's still a little cold, but with a cup of tea and the promise of a good book propped up by the beach chairs it's worth the defrosting afterwards. 
Hopefully with the clocks forward, summer solstice can finally commence. Wouldn't that just be a Midsummer Night's Dream...
