Four years ago I landed what I thought would be a dream opportunity; work experience at my favourite magazine on their fashion team. I'd sent the application off, assuming that it was a once in a lifetime kind of daydream and I'd probably never hear anything from them again. When I got the phone call to say I'd landed a placement I was honestly over the moon and in a drowse of disbelief. I called my boyfriend who sweetly brought me back some red roses to celebrate. I felt on cloud nine. Although it was only work experience and only for a week, it still seemed like a totally amazing opportunity that would help me realise what I wanted out of life, or at least, give me more of an idea of how to go about working within the fashion industry.
As the days drew nearer my anxiety kicked in and what had felt like a dream come true started to feel like a nightmare. I said to Graham "I'm starting to worry about it now, it's becoming a bad thing instead of good". It was Bonfire Night and three days before I was due to start the placement. We always watch the fireworks with hotdogs and tea and it's usually such a special night for us but that year I felt sick to the stomach with worry. My biggest fear was London, a place I'd had plenty of panic attacks in throughout my life. I avoided it like the plague usually, but taking on this opportunity meant there was no choice. Commuting on my own terrified me and luckily Graham came with me most days in the morning, meaning I only had to face the commute on my own once a day instead of twice. There was also the fear that I'd fail, end up being thought of as stupid and useless or get worked up and lose all my confidence, like I had done during all my previous jobs in offices and in the working environment. I hoped that this time would be different and I'd have the courage that had evaded me before. I hoped it would be different too, because it was my favourite magazine and seemed like such a dream come true.
Sadly the whole week was awful from start to finish. I'd tried to prepare myself for what to expect and had gauged a few things from what people had written online about similar placements. Most people seemed genuinely happy with their experience and had nothing but praise for similar placements so I tried to stay hopeful. But it was an isolating, deflating experience and no one seemed to be remotely friendly. There were three other girls doing work experience that week and the phone kept ringing in our section. "Can you get the phone Sophie?" One member of staff kept demanding, in front of me and all the others (who hadn't once raised a hand to answer any one of the many phones ringing). I felt like I was being singled out because I'd happily do anything I was asked, yet the others probably would have made a fuss. I was sent out twice on two separate occasions to pick up and return some items and in a panic got lost. My plans for staying calm and being confident had shattered as soon as the first day passed. I ended up ringing my mum in a state and Graham, but because I was having panic attacks in the middle of London on my own, it was hard for them to give me directions as much as they were trying to help. I ended up finding the Zara store after about an hour, then getting lost again and winding my way back to the office in a state of embarrassment while they asked me where I'd been. During lunch times the other girls went out to lunch while I sat in a nearby park and felt lost and totally alone.
Part of me longed to just end the placement but my pride wouldn't let me. I wanted to carry it through and because it had been such a big dream I didn't want to give up. The most destroying part was when I sat in with the rest of the fashion team to discuss future ideas to put in the fashion section of the magazine in a meeting room. I hadn't been told we had to bring print outs and ideas with us, so went in there totally lost while everyone else had bits of paper. They all went round the room asking what ideas we had while I sat there feeling sick, waiting for it to be my turn and wondering what the hell to say. I tried to come up with a few ideas and was greeted with a few bitchy looks and a sarcastic "That's er, really helpful Sophie. Thanks". I honestly just wanted the ground to open up. Another time I couldn't get a door open and needed a code, and when I had to ask the head of the fashion department (think Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, really) what the code was, she said it through gritted teeth to me across the room, as though I was a complete nuisance and totally stupid. I felt so deflated and wondered why it was all going so wrong. Anger rushed through me and I thought it was a total joke, here I was, as nice as anything, doing everything with a willing heart and being treated like trash. I was shaking so hard, and nearly said something then and there but my confidence and courage that week had been shattered and I couldn't say anything, I just let it all play out. There were a few nice people; one girl who always gave me a genuine smile whenever she saw me and another who helped me with my travel claims, but other than that everyone was completely oblivious to uttering even a 'hello'.
When the week finally came to an end (it felt like an eternity), it was a massive relief to be out of there. I only told one close friend how I really felt, but now I feel enough time has passed to share my story on here, too. I'm sharing it because I told myself time and time again that week (as I have done so many other times in my life throughout various jobs) that I was hopeless, useless, worthless and that yet again I was a failure and ruined everything for myself. Now I know I am none of those things. I am strong, talented, powerful and kind. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, but it is not a reflection of who I am, it's a reflection of what was a bad situation. I am writing this for anyone who has been in a similar situation, because as much as you might feel so, you are not alone.
I want to be honest and open on this blog because throughout my life there have been so many moments when I've felt alone and useless, and now it's the time to speak up and out. So many times when I've wanted to know it wasn't just me, that other people have felt the same way. So it isn't just me and it isn't just you. I want to make people realise they are not alone, that we all go through horrible experiences, we all feel worthless, useless, like failures and fuck-ups. It's OK to feel that way, but it's also OK to realise and recognise that you are NONE OF THE ABOVE.
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A DREAM OPPORTUNITY GOES WRONG?
BUILD YOURSELF UP
You are incredible, talented and powerful. If something goes wrong we have the tendency to blame ourselves and fill our souls with self-doubt. Do the opposite; remind yourself how much you've got going for you. Remind yourself that no matter what you've tried and that's enough.
SEEING THE SILVER LININGS
I was gutted at the time, but I was also chasing something that wasn't there. I thought I wanted to work in fashion but now I can see I was on the wrong track. Would I like a job in fashion? Not really, not in that kind of atmosphere, anyway. I love fashion, it's one of my biggest passions, but working in London in a buzzy office is not for me whatsoever. I had my blog, was writing my book, but assumed I needed a 'proper career' in the fashion industry when I didn't. I am an introvert, a free spirit and I like working on my own and doing my own thing. I went to fashion talks that left me cold. It just wasn't me. Aside from my blog and book I have a dozen other ideas and dreams, maybe they'll come to fruition, maybe they won't. That's the beauty of life, right? The silver lining for me is that it taught me I don't want to work in a place like that, that it isn't a dream after all. It was a bad experience that has made me stronger, not weaker.
HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF, NO MATTER HOW DISAPPOINTED YOU ARE
So it didn't work out the way you wanted. But you're a bloody amazing person today just like you were yesterday and the day before that. You have tons of talent to offer the world, but if something isn't right, it's more likely than not pushing you in a better direction. Rise above, however hard, Keep following your hopes and dreams and destinies. Because they're all waiting, sometimes the route's just a little ramshackled with a more poignant plan.
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
If people are dicks, people are dicks. It doesn't matter how kind or sweet or willing or nice you are. If someone is a horrible person, they'll no doubt broadcast that horribleness onto you. You can't change those people or situations when you have to be around them. But you can acknowledge it's nothing personal. "It always happens to me", I used to say. "It happens to everyone", my mum would always reply. "Just everyone thinks it always happens to them". The brilliant thing about blogging is we are realising we are less and less alone. We can talk about what's been unsaid for so long. We can relate.
I'd love to know if anyone has had any similar experiences!
I hope this post is helpful + uplifting if you've been there
💖🌞
Love goddess jeans!!! You know I heart a bit of mom jean magic when it comes to style so these Liquor N Poker embroidered sequin love heart jeans made Valentine's shebang straight into September for me. Sinking this pure pink potion that is Skinnydip London's True love Rosé almost made my eyes swirl like saucers and convinced me to truly believe it was February 14th. The shimmery gold bikini top added a bit of a holographic high to the mix and the pink glittery heels are always a welcome addition to any outfit. I snapped up the pretty heart charm earrings from the trusty alchemist of amazingness that is asos. The jeans are such a good fit, I'm used to mom jeans being a bit baggy and pull-up-y but these fitted me perfectly and have to be the comfiest ones by far. I hope Liquor N Poker continue with their queen of hearts conquests when it comes to dreamy designs on denim and let's hope Skinnydip continue to treat us to a cocktail of new treats to keep us fizzing through Autumn. Back to the jeans, because I truly believe they and I are "two hearts, believing in just one mind. Together forever, till the end of time...." Yep, that's right, these jeans totally remind me of one of my favourite songs of all time: Phil Collin's Two Hearts. 
Has anyone caught much of the X Factor this year? I'm in a butterfly daze over the guy with the butterfly tattoo. Not just because of the tattoo, he can sing amazingly too. I also pointed out to Graham that he looks a little like a mini-me version of Ryan Phillippe but that was when Graham told me to quit while I was ahead LOL. Something I've seriously considered for a while now is getting a butterfly tattoo (I'm thinking hip or back) to celebrate finishing my first novel. Call me the summer worshipper that I am but it might have to be something I finally get inked next summer, seeing as getting a tattoo is something I'd personally prefer to do in the hotter months. I've also got a lot of research to do, I know I'd like something shimmery and iridescent with glimmering colours but it's just a case of finding something as true to that as I can. 
