Wednesday 25 July 2018

How to stop hurtful remarks breaking your heart


I remember the first time a hurtful remark really broke my heart. I was about 8 years old and my biggest dream back then was to become a vet. When I was little I often joked that my ideal occupation would be to work in a sweet shop "so I can eat all the sweets", or a hairdressers "so I can cut everyones hair off for a laugh" and so on. Becoming a vet was the first serious dream I'd ever had. I'd always been a bit nervous around dogs and I knew a big hurdle in becoming a vet would have to involve me conquering that stumbling block, not to mention my struggle with Maths and Science at school. 

The hurtful remark came whilst we were visiting a friend of my mum's at the seaside and I had her dog on a lead. The dog started getting excited and looping around me in circles, barking. My panic became obvious and my heart broke when my mum's friend yelled: "For God's sake Sophie, get a grip! You want to be a vet when you're older? That's a joke! How the hell are you going to cope if you carry on behaving like this?" 

I couldn't believe how cruel she was being, the comment cut me straight to the core and left me reeling. She knew how much I wanted to be a vet. I hoped my mum might leap in and defend me, but, ever the peacemaker, mum stayed silent on the matter while I focused on keeping bitter tears at bay.


Criticism I faced in childhood 
During childhood another cut to my confidence would come when people commented on how rubbish I was at Maths. My dad is a doctor of Mathematics; he became a Geologist and flew all around the world giving talks and speeches in many different countries, especially America. He worked extremely hard to get his PhD and I'm very proud of everything he's accomplished. He's won awards and honours, invented a formula and contributed to published scientific papers. He's the last person to ever boast about any of this, or to ever make his daughter feel like a failure for being - quite frankly - crap at Maths. But I've lost count of how many people would say "You didn't inherit your dad's intellectual brain then?" or "His Math's gene obviously missed you and went straight to your cousin!" Those little digs made me feel for all like I had the words "f*cking failure" stamped on my forehead. 

To make matters worse an annoying little swat at school would always come over and tease me about my struggle with Maths. "What's the square root of four?" He'd patronise, insinuating that I couldn't even answer the simplest of equations."Oh God, not that pompous little prick!" My best friend Rae and I always joke when we get on the topic of ex classmates we couldn't stand. It's good to laugh about him now, I can shake off the fact that I'm rubbish at Maths and probably always will be. It certainly isn't my forte and I've long since made peace with that. But at the time these comments definitely paved the way for low self esteem and inner-criticism that made me apologise for who I was and what talents I lacked for years afterwards. As I reached teenage hood, the dream of being a vet naturally fell away and I lost interest. Cruel words during childhood can contribute to cutting so many dreams short.


How many times have you been hurt?
I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say that if you're out there somewhere reading this, you've probably been hurt dozens of times throughout your life by hurtful remarks, right? Someone has drowsed one of your biggest dreams in doubt. Made a bitchy, blasΓ© remark served like a metaphorical slap across your face. You've been stung or wounded by a remark so critical that you've been rendered speechless with shock. Cruel comments can ruin an otherwise carefree day, pour poison on any crusade of confidence we might currently be riding and really awaken all the little insecurities and anxieties we thought had long since set sail. They can get us questioning ourselves and spiralling  downwards in a trail of low self-esteem. If only people could think before they speak....


Cutting comments made by family members... 
If you read my blog then you already know that I've experienced a lot of cutting comments from work colleagues in the past, but I think sadly the majority of past hurtful remarks aside from work colleagues have come directly from my own family. Not all family members, but some. From my experience, families tend to think they've got every right to inspect your life with a microscope and point out any flaws, incapabilities or mistakes they see fit. I'm a very private person and honest in the fact that I don't really feel like I fit in to my family. I don't want to justify or talk openly about my life with them, because we don't really have that connection.

Comments in the past from family members have ranged from judgements on "isn't it strange that at your age I'd already had a kid and got married?", to "she doesn't smile in her blog photos", to "you could never be an estate agent, that job is made for confident people and you have no confidence". I've had unwanted criticisms and suggestions, guilt trips and general scorn. Harmless, perhaps. Hurtful? Definitely. However well-meaning, I don't want to connect with people who say such blasΓ© things with little thought for how it actually makes me feel. Who are always quick to judge my life choices and steer me down the path they feel is more suitable. If I'm being honest then I've always believed that family is who you feel most at home with, not who share DNA with. I want to be surrounded by people who make me happy and get me without even trying.


Heartbreaking to hear
Although I'm very close to my mum, she's often said a lot of hurtful things to me over the years (and of course, I'm not innocent in this; I have to her as well I'm sure). It took me years, years to pluck up the courage to tell her I was writing my first novel. When I finally sat down to tell her the reaction I got was "It probably won't get published, you can always keep it in a drawer somewhere for just you to read and be proud of.". This hurt like hell. Although never her intention to hurt me, such a comment really was heartbreaking to hear. Since then I've published short stories on my blog that mum has read, meanwhile two close friends of mine are kindly reading my novel and giving me their feedback, which has made mum realise my dedication and determination. Graham is also kindly proof reading my book too, and the support I've received from so many readers, friends and those closest to me has shown mum that I'm serious about getting it out there and won't stop until it's a published book lining the shelves one day. Mum and dad are nothing but supportive, I couldn't be writing my novel without them and mum's attitude now is "It's definitely going to get published, I can't wait to buy my first copy". 

So, how do you stop a hurtful remark breaking your heart? 

Confront the hurtful remark head-on
A lot of hurtful remarks seem to come straight out of the blue; unexpected and sharp, like a slap to the face. It makes it very difficult to confront them head on when you're left reeling. Many remarks get brushed off or we deem ourselves/get deemed as "overreacting" or "being too sensitive" when in actual fact, any hurtful remark aimed our way shouldn't just be overlooked or put to rest. Confront the person making the hurtful remark if you can. Explain how it's made you feel and try to get them to view it from your state of mind. Twist it around and ask them "how would it make you feel if I said this to you?" Hopefully with a bit of insight on your part, they'll realise the damage their comment has done and refrain from being so tactless in the future. 

Realise the root of the comment
Is the person making this hurtful remark mega successful themselves? I'm guessing not. A lot of people try and destroy other people's dreams because they never had the courage to follow their own. I've never once witnessed or heard of a happy, successful, fulfilled person ever bring negativity towards someone else with a hurtful comment. Most people who make hurtful remarks are either horrendously tactless or just plain bitter about their own lives. They don't deserve your attention.

Don't take it personally
I remember an ex work colleague who used to make the working environment hell for many of us, especially me. She'd often go off on one and blow up whenever something didn't go her way. She made many hurtful remarks my way (including comments about my weight), but after a while I learnt that she was desperately unhappy in her marriage. Her husband used to treat her like trash at home and she'd come into work and take out her pent up anger on us instead. Believe it or not, hurtful remarks aimed our way aren't usually personal. Most come out of anger, bitterness, cynicism and pessimism. These feelings are just an indicator of how some people heap their hell onto other people in the hope of feeling better about themselves. We don't deserve to let those kind of people steal our joy, or worse, pour their toxicity on our dreams and hopes. We just need to pity these kinds of people. 

Set yourself free from the hurt and move on
However hard, eventually we can either let cruel comments rip us to shreds, smash our self-esteem and wreck our self-worth or we can move on safe in the knowledge that we deserve better than to suffer due to someone else's low opinion of themselves. People who make hurtful remarks are none the wiser and will carry on with their day while yours has just been shot down and ruined. The pain we feel when a hurtful remark is made can leave a scar, but it's important that after a bit of rumination we forgive, forget and move on and away from the upset. You don't deserve to waste a moment of your precious life casting caution to someone else's misguided remark. Remember YOU have the power to define your self-worth. YOU hold the keys to your success. You are the only one who can control your happiness, head and heart. And those negative naysayers don't deserve any access to the remote. 

26 comments:

  1. Thanks for share this very inspiring post!
    xx

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    1. You're so welcome, thank you for reading! πŸ’–πŸ˜˜

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  2. I love how you share your personal stories and ease our mind with result. Yes I received so many hurtful comments I still do but you know. I know it depends on people. If s/he loves me then s/he would say it to wake me up. We sometimes need the wake up call but if they meant it out of hate and just to let me down then I will brush it off because I T D O E S N O T M A T T E R anymore. I am glad we live in women empowerment trend and I hope it stays.
    www.chez-rama.com

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, that is so lovely of you to say and means a lot to me that my stories can ease your mind πŸ™Œ I'm so sorry you've had many hurtful remarks to deal with too πŸ’” That's definitely a good point, the people that truly love us often give us their honest opinion and sometimes it can be just what we need πŸ’“ As you say if comments come from a hateful place and from people who don't have our best interest at heart then they're just not worth it. Life is way too short! ❤️ xxx

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  3. I love how you share your life so honestly with us! ��✨

    I know I personally really struggle with judgemental people & take such comments to heart! I love your idea of turning back on them & reminding yourself that people often beat down on others who have drama cause they haven’t done anything with theirs!

    I’m definitely gonna be keeping this to the forefront of my mind & gonna remind myself of these points often! Thanks again for sharing!
    Much mermaid love ����‍♀️��

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    1. Aww that means a million to me angel, thank you so very much! πŸ’–✨ It's been lovely and therapeutic to start opening up about my life more on here and life experiences. My attitude is that if my bad experiences can bring good and help to people then they were worth going through πŸ™Œ

      Judgemental people can be so cruel and cutting can't they πŸ˜” It's definitely a task and a half trying not to let them get to us, even when we insist to ourselves that they won't. But definitely, we have to remind ourselves why they are beating down on us in the first place and it's usually out of a sad and shallow place ✨

      Aww I'm so glad you feel this way about the post! Thank you so much for all your constant love and support, always beautiful friend! All my mermaid love right back πŸ’πŸ¦„πŸ’–πŸ¬πŸ˜˜πŸ‘‘✨πŸŒ·πŸ’œ xxxxx

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  4. Thanks so much! I think this is such a touching post! You can understand people's emotion after breaking.

    Kelly | https://lizado.com/

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words! I'm so glad you found this post touching ☺️ xxx

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  5. Another really relatable post! It makes me sad to think of your family members making such harsh comments towards you but I'm glad that you aren't letting those comments control you or stop you from pursuing your dreams and goals! I think you definitely have the right attitude and you've already overcome so much! I am really proud of you!!! ♥♥♥

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    1. Aww thank you so much sweetest Carly! I'm so happy you found the post relatable ❤️ Although even sorrier if you've received hurtful comments any point in your life as you are the kindest soul in the world and deserve nothing but love, kindness and support! ✨πŸ’–πŸŒ»Thank you so much for your kind words beautiful, I wish people could be more understanding sometimes of the direction we want to lead our lives! Bless you for all your kind encouragement and support with everything lovely friend, I'm so proud of you too, always! Can never thank you enough for being such a diamond to me, always! πŸ‘‘πŸ’–πŸ‘©‍❤️‍πŸ’‹‍πŸ‘© xxxx

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  6. Need this post. I find that just developing a "screw you" attitude works lol! Keep your chin up.

    Have a great weekend :)
    Amy x Wandering Everywhere

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    1. Haha yes, here's to a "screw you" attitude! We definitely need one of those when it comes down to those negative naysayers in life πŸΈπŸ’–πŸŽ‰πŸ˜‚ Thank you so much lovely! xxx

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  7. Wow, those types of remarks especially from family members really do hurt. I can tell you that over time wounds heal, but it does take a lot of work to get to a place where you move on. Speaking on my own experience. It looks like you have done the work Sophie, really shows. You have given such a great advice on how to dust yourself off and pick yourself up! It is a horrible time waster to sit bitter because of someone's negativity. Happy that you have been able to, and are now sharing your knowledge with so many. Totally believe in you Sophie!!!!

    xoxo,
    Tania

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  8. You really put so much thoughts and love in your posts!
    You are such an inspiring person! Thank you for sharing this with us!
    x Eva
    http://nicovabeauty.com

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  9. I'm sorry to hear you've had to endure so many hurtful comments over the years Sophie, but happy to know you've found so many helpful ways of dealing with them! Knowing the root cause underlying each comment is a very good point, as it can help us understand it says less about us and more about the person saying the hurtful comment! Hope you've had a fabulous weekend gorgeous girl!! :)

    aglassofice.com x

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  10. This was a really good reminder for me to read, especially because in particular going into the acting world getting hurtful remarks kind of comes with the territory. I'm trying to get better at not taking things personally but at the moment I think it's just better for me to focus on not holding onto the comments after they really hurt me.

    Julia // The Sunday Mode

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  11. You always share relatable topics my dear Sophie. This is something everyone can say they've been through. Having said that it is so different for everybody on how to react to them. Unfortunately some family members are just jerks. Sometimes you just wanna slap them to space. Lol!! I think you've made some great points here as to how to deal with them. Very helpful as always. Thank you! :-)
    Have a blessed week beautiful. :-)

    https://www.missymayification.co.uk

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  12. This is such an interesting and helpful post. Thank you for sharing!

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  13. Thank you for sharing the inspirational story with us. Everybody has their own stories and I like to be well listened to.

    https://pinmytees.com/

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  14. This post, along with everything else you write is so very important. I think so many of us have adopted the attitude of "rise above it", which I don't think is always the best thing to do, particularly when comments really do cut you to the core. It's so sad that, as you say, cruel comments can really impact the rest of your day and dictate how well the rest of the week pans out. It's awful to hear that some of your family have said cutting things to you, particularly where your ambitions are concerned - I wish people would stop to acknowledge just how much, especially when you're a child - these things can affect you. Often it's simply a case of proving them wrong, as you are more than doing your novel. You're destined for greatness Sophie and I think I speak for everyone reading this <3

    //teandtwosugars.blogspot.com xx

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  15. This is actually something I've been focussing on a lot recently. I take comemnts way too seriously and then get hurt really easily. I'm trying to shake off little remarks now, most of the time they weren't even intended hurt me, but I overthink everything haha
    Aleeha xXx
    https://www.halesaaw.co.uk/

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  16. Not letting hurtful remarks get to you can be really hard. I'm much better at it now than I used to be, but it's still something I have to make a conscious effort to do. When I was a kid it seemed to happen a lot that someone would criticise me for something - just generally not being good enough - then I'd get upset, which seemed to me a natural reaction, and then I'd be criticised for getting upset! So straight away I'd gone from "not good enough" to "even worse than not good enough". I wish people would stop and think before they speak sometimes because the effects can linger for years, and as you say, it can be especially hurtful when it's a family member. Always so helpful to read about other people's experiences though and know we are not alone! x

    Kate Louise Blogs

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  17. Oh what a shame you've had such a hard time. People can be so careless with their words sometimes. My mum always taught me 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' and I'm lucky my parents have always modelled that behaviour back to me and been so supportive. I think we should use our words to build each other up, rather than tear each other down. You see a lto of it online and it's sad :(

    Hope that you are having a great weekend :) We had a quiet one as we are all a little unwell from another round of winter bugs!

    Away From The Blue Blog

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  18. Your points are highly correct. Family has this weird habit of wanting to protect you/keep the peace by keeping their mouths shut yet not wanting you to get your feelings hurt when things don't go how you want. My Mom for years told my 'yeah sure you can be a vet' then as I got older suddenly out of nowhere she started pointing out 'you do realize you have to do A LOT of math and science' (I willingly admit I suck at math... not much better at science) and pointing out I was probably going to have to take a lot of classes multiple times... and finally pointing out I probably wouldn't do so well if animals died.

    Good post. Hope to read some more

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  19. It is so nice to read a blog like this, I'm currently going through the same, and I'm working so hard to change my attitude - for my own sake. It is so lovely (in a weird way) to hear someone else have issues with their parents calling them names, its one factor of my life that I really struggle to forget. All I can say is that you have got this and it has really inspired me to carry on changing my attitude. After all, we need to be selfish sometimes to succeed in happiness, fingers crossed things improve for you, which I'm sure they will! Thinking of you x

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