Thursday 6 December 2018

Moving out for the first time


Last week I officially moved out for the first time. 

After 9 long years, my boyfriend and I finally have our first home together. Nope, it's not this pink Barbie dream house (but a girl can fantasise, right?) For so long I'd started to give up hope of ever moving away from the hometown I hated so much; the ties I wanted to cut and the memories I wanted to bury. Living at home was a rollercoaster of emotions; just as things seemed okay there'd be another blazing row waiting to rise or more upset I was unable to escape. I've made no secret of the fact that I pretty much despise my hometown, it represents everything I want to forget. From the school and college that bring back bad memories of bullying and fractured friendships, to the hospital across the street from my house where both my Grandparents died, to the surrounding areas that remind me of unhappy jobs and the breakdowns that followed. Not to mention the fear of not knowing who you might bump into. I no longer need to worry about leaving the house for hours on end to avoid all the family gatherings that I find unbearable given my anxiety. This was always a major issue during Christmas and New Year; I dreaded Christmas for months before it happened in that house, only now am I seeing it in a new light. 

I hadn't wanted to be 28 when I first moved out, let's face it, who wants that? Privacy is a virtue I've never really had, and you hit that point when you can't cope anymore and need your own space. Despite sharing parts of my heart online that I chose and control, I'm a very private person and can't stand people probing or being intrusive when it comes to my private business. I often found this difficult as people always seemed to ask my mum things about me, instead of coming to me directly, which didn't sit right with me at all. Just because someone is a relative or an acquaintance, it doesn't mean they have direct access to all my personal business but it seemed so often they thought they did. Hopefully this can now change, and moving out has made me realise just how important privacy and isolation from those kinds of people really is. My mum wanted to go round telling all her friends about my move but I just felt too overwhelmed and didn't want anyone to know. It was a big life change for me, and one that took time to get used to. 

For a number of reasons we were unable to move out earlier, and countless times I had to ring my boyfriend up in tears because things got too unbearable at home. Last December I had to walk out of the house and into the cold because things got so toxic, and I literally had nowhere to go. It felt like a total ghost-town; stripped of all the souls I used to know, just a forest of trees and silence. Then earlier this year things got so bad that I had to get out; it was late at night and I ended up in a 24-hour supermarket walking round in a daze and not knowing what to do. My boyfriend could only do so much over the phone and once again it was a painful reminder that, even though we weren't miles away from each other, not living together was devastating. People love to gossip, and I was unsurprised to hear a friend of my mum's had made it her business to tell one of my closest friends that "Sophie still hasn't moved out yet". What business is it of yours, you nosy cow, I thought. One of the best and most freeing things now is that I can live my life away from all those petty people, I'm free and released from their judgement. There will always be people that check up on my blog and try and gain what they can for their own spite, but now I don't have to see them or hear about them and that's a major pro. 

Since moving out three things have struck me. One: I'm finally being treated with more respect than I was before, which I find quite strange. I haven't changed since moving out and I'm still the same person I was two weeks ago when living at home. There's a stigma surrounding living at home which I really think people need to change their attitude towards. Two: I can't believe what a turnaround in my mental health and wellbeing there's been. I feel like a different person. So much of my anxiety has lessened, it's amazing. Living with my boyfriend is a dream come true. All I ever wanted was to live with my lovely partner and our cats, now it's finally happened we've both talked about how surreal it feels. It feels like a holiday cottage at the moment, like I've scored a winning lottery ticket. We're both on cloud nine, and I'm over the moon with how the house looks. Choosing trinkets and decorations for the home is never something I've had the chance to enjoy, now I can. I used to see all the gorgeous things in the shops and feel sad I couldn't buy any because I never had my own place. I'm really pleased and proud of the house, we've already got everything pretty much sorted which isn't bad considering we've barely been here two weeks. All we need to do now is get a few homeware items to put more of our stamp on the place and we're awaiting the rainbow Christmas tree that Graham ordered which I'm SO DAMN EXCITED for! As always everyone online has been so kind, lovely and supportive to me during and after the move which has helped immeasurably. 

The third thing that struck me is that being so unhappy in my hometown and doing miserable jobs I hated for so long gave me the need to write a book as a form of escape. I also longed for an outlet to express myself which became this blog. It struck me the other day how much negative energy I got from living at home, how much I needed to channel it into writing my book and running my blog. If I'd never been so low for so many years in an unhappy environment then I'd never have discovered my dreams in the way I have now. Last week in my new home I actually felt happy that it had taken so long to get to this point. I can now see how it's the right time to move out and it feels even more worthwhile and I appreciate it a million times more because of all the waiting and hoping. All the upset, the pain, anger, the sadness and the tears brought a new-found fight in me. It made me stronger. It made me dream harder. It made me determined and gave me an inner-strength I never knew I had. It makes sense now, all these years later. Why I had to wait so long for a happy ending. Why I had to hold on for that bit longer ♥︎ 



  1. I'm so happy for you Sophie! Everything came together perfectly, and just in time for Christmas too! It's really lovely to hear that you are already feeling so much better and I hope things continue to improve for you! It will be so much fun to decorate with little items that mean something to you ♥♥♥ I hope the cats are settling in well! ♥♥♥

  2. I'm so happy for you! I recently moved out for the second time (the first was a disaster) and it's really changed my outlook on everything! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling so much better too xx

  3. Thank you for sharing another fantastic post sweetie! You look so beautiful, I love the whole ensemble! I can totally relate to your experiences with your hometown. I come from a small town in Scotland where everybody knows everybody and they're all up in your biz. When I visit nobody recognises me haha! But I recognise them cause these types of busy body people (like your mums friend) never go any place and basically live and die there so all they can do is gossip. I have horrible memories of my hometown but there are some good ones but only a few. Like you, I went through bullying and you never knew who you were going to bump into at any moment, same faces everyday. The town I come from is quite run down and a lot of people I went to school with are either on drugs or in Jail or have like 10 kids around their neck with no partner. I got out at 19 and came to England which was really scary but glad I did it. Moving out is one of the most stressful experiences, I'm glad you have your partner of 9 years because you've been together for so long, it's kinda like you've grown up together and can support each other. I'm happy that you've seen a positive difference with the anxiety and things, you deserve it! Take everything one step at a time and don't look back, you were made for fabulous things, not that crappy hometown full of nobodies, you're a star! Love ya much x

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this post. I can actually relate to so much of what you shared. I am not claiming that my experiences are the same as yours, but, despite a lot of positive moments at home, there are moments it is like hell, and I just cantc comprehend how people think at times. I'm 28 as well, and my husband and myself are saving to move out, hopefully in the Spring. And it is much needed. I am glad that you can finally have some peace in this aspect of your life, and I wish you and your boyfriend all the best. (And I would love to see that rainbow tree).

  5. I'm so happy for you lovely, escaping a toxic situation can be so liberating and I'm really glad you're able to have that freedom now - it must feel amazing!

    Lucy | Forever September

  6. This is such a great post and it makes me so happy to hear how well you're doing after moving out! I wholeheartedly agree that after moving out, I felt the respect from my family as well. I felt like they were finally treating my as a responsible adult, paying rent and not "out blowing money every day". I love the independence and not having people barge into my room everytime they're bored or something.

    It's such an incredible journey to move away from home and a toxic environment. I'm really happy to see how far you've come, even if it's just a few days since you've moved out!

  7. Huge huge HUGE CONGRATULATIONS! Moving out for the first time was the best thing I've ever done, one day I just threw all of my stuff into the back of a van and moved a few hundred miles away and the relief was amazing so I totally relate. I hope you're so much happier in your own place and it is a home filled with happy thoughts and memories.

    Rosy | Sparkles of Light Blog

  8. Congrats on you big move which is a major accomplishment! Loving your cute pink coat too!

  9. I'm so pleased for you Sophie! And you're so right that waiting can make you appreciate these things so much more. Rainbow Christmas tree sounds amazing! x

    Kate Louise Blogs

  10. After reading your article, you did a great job after you moved out! I agree with you very much. After moving out, I also feel the respect of my family and my independence. I think they finally regard me as a responsible adult. I like to be independent and have my own space.
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  11. So happy for you that you managed to finally move out, that must feel so freeing! I'm glad it's lessened your anxiety, so pleased about that. Toxic environments can be awful and really bring you down. I still live at home and I'm 30, so there's no shame in it really, it's nobody's business, it's whether or not you can afford to, and you can, so well done! Love the pink coat!
    Raindrops of Sapphire

  12. Sophie, I'm so, so, SO happy for you! The fact that moving away from your hometown has brought you greater peace of mind and less anxiety is a wonderful thing, and how lovely you've moved to a place with your boyfriend and cats; that sounds so dreamy and sweet :) Wishing you ALL the best!!!

    Gabrielle | A Glass Of Ice x

  13. Yeyyyy....thank God for how far He has brought you Sophie. Kudos and I'm so damn happy for you. Time to grow into the woman you want to become. I know you'll will be fine and do you. On another note you coat and boots are so good and chic. I love it! You look good girllllll. :-)